星野アイ | Hoshino「AI」 (
liedol) wrote in
yumemigaoka2023-12-03 07:58 pm
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★ my genius, flawless idol for life
⭐ Who: Ai and you!
⭐ When: its fucking dember
⭐ Where: Mostly in Yumemigaoka, with some planned Hunts and stuff in the Dream Sphere
⭐ What: Wow, that was pretty decidedly awful!!! Unfortunately, there's no rest for the wicked OR the DU's idol so even though she's a little running on fumes, Ai's still got a busy December ahead of her...! With DU work and idol work and holiday obligations all on her plate, the real question is: how does she ever find time to sleep???
⭐ When: its fucking dember
⭐ Where: Mostly in Yumemigaoka, with some planned Hunts and stuff in the Dream Sphere
⭐ What: Wow, that was pretty decidedly awful!!! Unfortunately, there's no rest for the wicked OR the DU's idol so even though she's a little running on fumes, Ai's still got a busy December ahead of her...! With DU work and idol work and holiday obligations all on her plate, the real question is: how does she ever find time to sleep???
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Ango has nobody to go home to, or even a home to go home to for that matter. He's been camped out in the basement of DU HQ since returning from the Dream Sphere (it turns out that the online rumors are true and the DU does have a secret basement level, but it's mostly filled with old fax machines and janitorial supplies). There's a sento and a laundromat not far from headquarters, so the arrangement is surprisingly cozy. It's not in Ango's nature to spend too much time at home, though... so after work, he wanders.]
Oh, yeah, I heard that the snow knocked a power substation offline.. it's probably gonna be a while. Half the system is gridlocked right now, so I figured I'd get on the first train and see where it takes me.
[Has he been avoiding her ever since the Disturbance? Uh... maybe a little. Most of his coworkers seem content to let him laugh off the whole thing, but Ango knows he won't get away that easy with Ai.
Belatedly, he notices that Ai's not wearing a coat - with the station being so close to the office, she probably didn't think she'd need more than a jacket. Ango hurries to shrug off his own heavy coat. Well, it's not actually his coat, but anything that spends longer than 2 weeks in the lost-and-found box in the DU's coat room is fair game as far as he's concerned.]
Here, take this!
[The coat is ridiculously oversized for someone of Ai's stature, but he can't just let her freeze. As for himself... he's had colder nights, he'll be fine.]
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[ She pulls the coat on, shimmying her hands through the comically oversized sleeves and then wraps it around her as tight as she can. It doesn't fully solve the issue of a Yumemigaoka winter, but it takes the sting off a little.
... it's kind of awkward, trying to come up with something to say to him. She usually finds it easy to chat away with Ango but now...
After a moment, she hitches her smile back on. ]
You're out late! We're not working you too hard, are we?
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[He waves his hand vaguely, as if that explains why he's been avoiding her.
Out of concern for his mental health (lol) Ango has been on light duty ever since returning from the Dream Sphere, so he hasn't gone on his usual survey patrols... but that's only given the Research Department more time to question him about what they're now calling "Night Terrors." Apparently the order to not subject him to any disciplinary action came from the Boss Lady at the top of the DU, but even Ango realizes that's wholly contingent on his ability to provide useful information. Especially since unlike Mio Kasuga, he was fully conscious for most of his Disturbance. Hopefully, the DU's current focus on him will give that poor kid a break.]
Did you know that the DU has actual lawyers and accountants? I ran off into the Dream Sphere to escape some bad debts to some even worse people, but it turns out that I actually paid those loan sharks off ages ago... they were just exploiting the fact that I'm really, really bad at math. After a few strongly worded letters from the DU's legal department, it seems like I'm in the clear. So I guess the Disturbance was all over nothing... haha...
[He attempts to laugh away his problems, but even Ai has probably realized by now that while his financial difficulties may have been the inciting incident that drove him to escape into the Dream Sphere, they were only the tip of the iceberg.]
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He probably doesn't know what she's seen. There's no way he would've wanted the Disturbance to cram all of it into her brain and she feels... dirty, somehow, for knowing any of it at all. But especially knowing it while Ango's so ignorant and smiling like a fool. The way she smiles when she knows she isn't convincing anyone of anything, but she just hopes they'll stop asking questions.
Ai swallows and her fingers curl a little tighter into the coat. It's still a little warm. ]
Why are you pretending it's funny?
[ Her tone isn't accusatory but it's unusually quiet and firm. ]
You wanted to run away and never wake up again. How could I laugh at that?
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[That had been Ango's plan - disappear into the Dream Sphere for a couple of months and let the yakuza think he'd skipped town, then sneak back. He could camp out on the beach at Facet Lagoon and drink piña coladas all winter instead of having to trudge through Yumemigaoka's snow. He could even keep working as a Dreamer! But then Ango ran into that mystery woman... and instead of the lagoon, he'd ended up in a whole city built out of his own neuroses, which was surprisingly comfortable to wallow in.
He wasn't trapped like Mio Kasuga had been. He could have gone back at any time, if he'd wanted to. He just... didn't want to.
Ango's shoulders slump, and his protest ends in a mumble.]
But that Night Terror, or whatever the DU is calling her... I created her. If she was fucked up, then it's only beause I made her that way.
[He knew that other Dreamers would eventually come looking for him, and he knew that Sakuya would attempt to trap them in the madness of an endless spring, that place where nothing could die because it was already dead. Because on some level... that's what he wanted, too.]
...I couldn't just leave her.
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She swallows again. Hard, so she can chase the sour sting back down past her chest. No. That's not what Ango is saying here and even if it was, now wouldn't be the time to get upset about it. If she hides her bruises, Ango isn't the one to blame if he strikes one by mistake. ]
It's all the same thing in the end though, right? The only thing keeping you there was you. If we hadn't come to try and find you... nobody knows what could've happened. But it can't have been good.
[ For you or us. ]
... I was really worried, you know. After what happened with the last one and everything we saw, I just kept thinking... what could be hurting you that we didn't know about? Why couldn't we help?
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I didn't know what to say. I mean, "hi, I'm Ango, I'm depressed and directionless and all of my friends are dead, by the way I owe a lot of money to the yakuza" is one hell of an icebreaker to use at a new job.
[It's not that Ango hasn't grown close to anyone since coming to Yumemigaoka. Ai, Misfire and Maki are people he trusts enough to let his defenses start to slip... but they're also coworkers that he's known for barely half a year. He's got baggage, and it's more than he can expect them to carry.]
Earlier last year, before I came to Yumemigaoka, I was in a rough place... coming here and meeting people like you really did help, so don't feel like you didn't do enough. That Night Terror was inside me for a long time.
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And besides. What right does Hoshino Ai have to feel upset with anyone for keeping secrets?
She huffs out another cloudy white sigh. ]
... I might not be happy about it, but I can understand it. Maybe I could even accept it, but... you're a Dreamer, too. It's not like it was last time, where Mio-chan didn't really know what was going on... you knew. And I saw what that city was like. I don't understand why you'd choose that over... here.
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[The hollow makeshift buildings, the neglected and trash-filled streets, the wild tangle of tree roots consuming the city's vitality like a parasite... it was a place Ango had never seen before, and a place that felt immediately familiar. An empty pastiche of the setting of his first successful novel, haunted by the heroine he's never been able to escape.]
I didn't want anybody to see that side of me, but... I guess by now everybody already knows that I'm not as cool as I look.
[He laughs at his own joke, but he sounds tired.]
...But you know, sometimes, here - the real world - feels the same as that place. Cold, lonely, chaotic. It's beautiful sometimes, but there's always something missing... At least I felt like I belonged there.
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[ But saying it like that... something does click. It's easier to feel bad sometimes. To wallow in things that make you miserable and the idea that nothing can or ever will get better because if you don't hope for anything then you can't be disappointed. If you never open any of your fan letters, you can never be disappointed when none of them are from the person you wish would write to you more than anything.
Being miserable is familiar. Sometimes it's even safe. She'd never forgotten how that felt, but... ]
I know it's not my place to say it, but... I don't want you to end up going back there. Ever. If I find out you did, I'll go and bring you back myself.
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...You would?
I mean, not that I've got any plans to do that again! If I become The Midlife Crisis Guy, I'll never hear the end of it from those bratty kids... but still, thanks. Hearing that means a lot.
[He smiles crookedly. Maybe somehow Ai missed the part of the Disturbance report where his Night Terror looked uncannily like her. Not that Sakuya had been anything like Ai in terms of personality... her personality had been based on someone else. But not wanting Ai to see the woman who haunts his dreams is more than enough motivation to keep him from causing another Disturbance.]
I guess if there's a difference between this world and that dream, it's that things can change here.
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Did you think I'd just leave you? Of course I'd come get you. Ah, maybe not by myself exactly... I know what I'm doing over there but even I'm not that good.
[ Her smile returns, a little wobbly and uncertain but steadier than before. Her stomach is still rolling a bit, caught on all the parts of him she'd seen without him knowing but... maybe he does know. That had all been in his heart, after all. Maybe instead of having no idea, he's made his peace with at least some of his secrets leaking out.
Oh, wouldn't that be nice?
A laugh rushes out of her in another cloud of white. ]
We've still got about half an hour, right? Let's go get something hot to drink instead off freezing our fingers off on the platform here. I might as well get something to eat while I'm in town since I won't be getting home for dinner...
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He has some idea of what other Dreamers saw while they were trapped in his dream, though, which is embarrassing enough... but unlike his best friend, who was consumed by his shame, Ango feels that shame is an essential part of being human. You haven't really lived until you've been beaten up by a high schooler in front of your imaginary girlfriend. Now that's decadence.]
Th-there's a coffee shop near the gate, right?
[If there's a slight crack to his voice, he'll blame it on the cold air. Coffee date with Ai? Okay, not quite, but it's at least "coffee with Ai," and 75% is a pretty good score for a chronic underachiever like Ango.]
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[ She sets off away from the platform, the tick-tock rhythm of her heels bouncing all around the empty station. While they might not be making up for much in the height department (and really, what could?), you can't deny they make up for it in added presence. ]
I'll even call it my treat, since I stole your coat. What's your usual order?
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[A plain black coffee would be more manly, but Ango is convinced that people only pretend to like that crap. Coffee is merely a vehicle for caffeine and sugar, the most important food groups after nicotine and alcohol. And he doesn't have anything to prove to Ai, who has already seen him at his lowest and inexplicably still talks to him. Besides...]
...Hopefully the trains will get moving soon. I figure you want to get home to your... uh, you-know-who.
[He can't just say "secret boyfriend," can he? There could be obsessive fans lurking among the other stranded commuters on the train platform, and with Mio on hiatus, the wotaku weirdos are probably thirsting for gossip... but Ango is on Ai's side, so he gives her an a wink.]
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[ A bone-penetrating wind gusts right through but the cold that skitters down Ai's spine has nothing to do with the weather. For a moment of horrible panic, she thinks that he's telling her that he knows. That somehow, she'd not been careful enough. That Ango had seen something, heard something, had any reason to suspect who she might be going home to—
And then she catches herself. Yanks the reigns back on her panic and manages to ease it back under her control. Her heart is still pounding a little too fast but she can think a little clearer now. There's no way Ango could know. In fact, she doesn't even have any idea exactly what he's talking about.
So she does what she does best: puts on a smile and plays dumb. ]
Ah... so you heard that... was it that obvious?
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Damn it, Ai has already given half of her life to the entertainment industry, to her fans. When is it going to be enough? Will it ever be enough?]
It's not like that! I mean, I overheard you talking on the phone and you sounded all lovey-dovey...
[He fiddles with his glasses, embarrassed. It's not like he intended to eavesdrop... but like any other fan, he craves those tidbits of information that put him just a little bit closer to his untouchable idol. Some fans are predators, but he's just a parasocial scavenger who greedily devours the leftover scraps of other people's fantasies. No wonder she still looks at him like that.
He makes sure there's no one else within earshot, then continues in a whisper.]
Haha, I don't think I've been that happy to go home in my entire life, and for you it's just a normal Friday afternoon... he's a damned lucky guy. Don't worry, I won't say a word about him! You deserve to love somebody.
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It takes a few seconds to process the words. He's not talking like he knows and his words don't actually seem to match the situation. Her pounding heart slowly eases back into something resembling a normal rhythm as she stares at him and she slowly realizes what it is he's actually saying. Ango seems to be on her side, which is good, but he also seems to think...
She absolutely can't help it. Before she can stop herself, a laugh comes bubbling up and out of her mouth and she has to cover it with her hand to get it back under control. Oh, he's so wrong and he has no idea — but it's also preferable so uh, when you think about it, Ai's the chessmaster here?! ]
Aah, so it really was that obvious... I guess I'm lucky it was you who overheard. Serves me right for not being more careful, huh?
[ She gives him a cheeky little grin, but then her expression eases into something softer and somehow brighter. He doesn't know what he's really saying and she knows he doesn't mean it the way it really is but...
You deserve to love somebody.
It's nice to hear it. ]
Thanks, Ango-kun.
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It hurts to know that he's not the guy who makes Ai happy, but knowing that Ai is happy makes it hurt a whole lot less.
Ango understands why Ai won't quit being an idol, even though the demands of the industry force her to hide so much of herself. She needs to perform in the same way he needs to write... because entertaining others is the only way they know how to connect with anyone. Her boyfriend must be one hell of a guy if he managed to bridge that gap.]
Haha... so you don't need to keep everything a secret. You've got people who will support you no matter what.
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Still. She wonders if Ango would look her in the eye and say that so easily if he knew what she was really hiding.
So instead, she huffs another giggle into the chilly air and makes another joke of it. When she thinks about it like that, she doesn't feel as bad about lying to his face. ]
That's what you think... but can you imagine the kind of workplace gossip I'd have to deal with? Everyone and anyone would want to sniff out some details. It's usually all business at the DU so when people smell blood? You can bet they'll pounce on it.