★ my genius, flawless idol for life

[liedol]

⭐ Who: Ai and you!
⭐ When: its fucking dember
⭐ Where: Mostly in Yumemigaoka, with some planned Hunts and stuff in the Dream Sphere
⭐ What: Wow, that was pretty decidedly awful!!! Unfortunately, there's no rest for the wicked OR the DU's idol so even though she's a little running on fumes, Ai's still got a busy December ahead of her...! With DU work and idol work and holiday obligations all on her plate, the real question is: how does she ever find time to sleep???

Comments

[yourattention]

... I wanted to dance. I still do, it's just—they made me choreograph something to your new single. It's for some performance I'm doing on Christmas.

["Wanted," past tense. "Doing on Christmas," as in he is working on Christmas. Things that could probably be chalked up to the fact that he's speaking a second language, but it's one of those things where people keep asking Connor when he sleeps as a joke and his answer keeps getting more and more strained.

Having grown up with cameras as a constant presence in his life, Connor's never understood work/life separation. His life is work, to a certain extent. It's not lost on him that even his teammates do less than he does. That even though he's technically not the leader of his unit, everyone treats him like it.]

Sorry. I shouldn't be complaining. I have what everyone wants, right?

[liedol]

[ She shouldn't be getting involved in this. Really, she shouldn't. It's so far beyond the scope of her duties at the DU and she can't even really make an excuse for it having anything to do with him as a Dreamer. Even this is probably overstepping a little. His manager probably wouldn't be happy.

On the other hand? Forget all that. What does it even matter? Connor's a kid just like she was. What kind of rotten, useless adult would she be if she washed her hands of him because it wasn't technically her problem? How many rotten, no good adults did the same thing to her when she was even younger than Connor was?

The breath she pulls in is sharp. Almost a little angry. ]

If you can't even complain, what are you supposed to do? Bottle it all up until you just explode?

[ Not that she has any place to talk. ]

If none of this makes you happy at all, then why are you doing it?

[yourattention]

[He mostly just retreats into the studio when he's sad and overwhelmed. It's always been that way: dance it out for a few hours and then sleep it off. Complain to his therapist, if he needs to, but never ever let the façade of the lovely, perfect life slip. Even in private, Connor finds it hard.

Why does he do it, though? Connor immediately thinks about the other four members of his unit. He thinks about the opportunities M has had as a trans Latine man that he probably wouldn't if Connor wasn't there to take the brunt of criticism. He thinks about all the fans who have told him that he's the reason they realized they were queer, that he made them feel safe to dress in a specific way, to like things like dance and makeup. He thinks of the people who watch his videos and tell him that it got them through a rough patch. All of these traumas and secrets he has to hold close, because someone trusted him with them.]

... I met a girl at Pride. Her name is Aki and watching me and seeing me made her feel okay being herself. She has a girlfriend named Emiko now. And I think that's worth it.

[liedol]

Mm. I'm glad to hear it.

[ But that's how it goes, isn't it? There's always something or somebody that makes it seem 'worth it'. There's always going to be somebody who watched you and felt better about themselves. When you think about it like that, doesn't it make it that much easier to just take it all on your shoulders and never, ever complain? ]

But... are you sure there aren't any other ways for that to happen? Do you really have to go until you're running on fumes just to make everyone else feel better?

[ Yes, she's a hypocrite. But it's only because she's speaking from experience. ]

[yourattention]

It's usually less... Everything. When I'm not the one being punished.

[It's just said casually, because Connor forgets it's maybe not... super? Common knowledge that he's currently being punished. It's his own fault and he's been exceedingly well-behaved recently, so he's a little annoyed about his current PR blitz, but not enough to do anything about it.]

I like my job.

[But maybe that's just because he doesn't know what not having this job is like. He's been on television since he was six years old.]

[liedol]

[ The noise she makes isn't quite a proper laugh, but it's close enough. ]

Well, you're already way ahead of most people. From what I hear, getting paid to do something you like these days is basically a miracle.

[ Not that she can really talk... ]

Anyway. Leave all this with me and I'll see if I can't handle things. Leave your manager's name and number with me and I'll get in touch to let them know, just in case they've got plans too. But I promise, you don't have to keep worrying about this anymore. I'll come up with something.