[Junna squeezes Lisa's hand, her fingers still threaded through hers, and she looks up, then, and she blinks her eyes -- still with tears in them -- but she nods.] I... I know. I will. I'll come to you -- everyone. But you especially. I won't keep it inside all the time, the way I did, and not... not face the things that are eating me up inside. I...
[She owes her an explanation, and she knows it. Junna looks down for a second. There is something that bothers her -- the way Lisa said "for letting me try again." But she decides, at first, to start with what happened.] When I had that fight with my parents, it was like everything I was stressed about came to a head at once. The play. The ways I screwed up in the Dream Sphere, the last couple of months. Graduating soon. And... and the way my parents don't understand what I want. And I'm not sure I can tell them. It was all... just... crashing down around me.
[She exhales, softly.] And the next thing I knew, I was in the Disturbance. And I thought--thought maybe I could stop it, before it grew out of control. It wasn't... really a clear thought. But then it was like everywhere I turned, there was a reminder of... of the ways I thought I was letting people down. Myself down. I wasn't able to balance all of the things I need to.
I couldn't be a great Dreamer.
I couldn't be a great actress.
All the hard work wouldn't amount to anything, because I'm not enough. [She gets quieter.] My parents would... would see me, and be disappointed, and they'd be right.
[She chokes up.] And I kept thinking... I-I'm not strong enough to tell my parents about my girlfriend. They'll never know who I really am. And--and you deserve better, not... not me being terrified of letting them down, because I am proud of you, honey. I'm so proud to be with you. [She looks away, embarrassed, then. Maybe something worse than embarrassed.] But I'm scared they'll reject me or reject you.
[She wipes at her eyes. She isn't done crying yet.]
And all of that, all of those feelings, they... built on themselves. I felt like I was drowning in them, and I... couldn't see any way out. A labyrinth in every sense of the word. [Junna shivers, involuntarily.] I thought if I stayed there, then... then maybe I wouldn't have to face the way I was so sure I was letting all of you down. And I was determined to dig myself out.
no subject
[She owes her an explanation, and she knows it. Junna looks down for a second. There is something that bothers her -- the way Lisa said "for letting me try again." But she decides, at first, to start with what happened.] When I had that fight with my parents, it was like everything I was stressed about came to a head at once. The play. The ways I screwed up in the Dream Sphere, the last couple of months. Graduating soon. And... and the way my parents don't understand what I want. And I'm not sure I can tell them. It was all... just... crashing down around me.
[She exhales, softly.] And the next thing I knew, I was in the Disturbance. And I thought--thought maybe I could stop it, before it grew out of control. It wasn't... really a clear thought. But then it was like everywhere I turned, there was a reminder of... of the ways I thought I was letting people down. Myself down. I wasn't able to balance all of the things I need to.
I couldn't be a great Dreamer.
I couldn't be a great actress.
All the hard work wouldn't amount to anything, because I'm not enough. [She gets quieter.] My parents would... would see me, and be disappointed, and they'd be right.
[She chokes up.] And I kept thinking... I-I'm not strong enough to tell my parents about my girlfriend. They'll never know who I really am. And--and you deserve better, not... not me being terrified of letting them down, because I am proud of you, honey. I'm so proud to be with you. [She looks away, embarrassed, then. Maybe something worse than embarrassed.] But I'm scared they'll reject me or reject you.
[She wipes at her eyes. She isn't done crying yet.]
And all of that, all of those feelings, they... built on themselves. I felt like I was drowning in them, and I... couldn't see any way out. A labyrinth in every sense of the word. [Junna shivers, involuntarily.] I thought if I stayed there, then... then maybe I wouldn't have to face the way I was so sure I was letting all of you down. And I was determined to dig myself out.
[She's quiet.] I... I was so blind.