★ wanna crack the code, her spell is so mysterious

[liedol]

⭐ Who: Ai and you!
⭐ When: End of July through August
⭐ Where: Various prompts around Yumemigaoka and the Dream Sphere
⭐ What: August Ai catchall! With things in the Dream Sphere officially getting Weird, Ai's doing her best to investigate like a good Experienced Dreamer while keeping up with her duties as a Mentor and as an idol. I'm also down for doing closed/private prompts so hit me up on Discord if you'd like to plan something!

Comments

[hanamane]

[Oh no. Oh God. Ai not smiling was a bad sign-- a very bad sign. This was even worse than he thought--

And then her words, as simple and straight-forward as they were, hit him with all the grace and force of a cannonball, and the smile on Amane's own face begins to flicker and falter as he strains to keep it in place.]

... w-what? I'm not--

[But then he stops himself, because... no, he can't even fake his way out of this one, can he? Not after Ai had seen those visions of his during Tanabata, seen how badly those innocent enough images had shaken him to his core that night. He couldn't just say he was fine, when the very idea of him hanging out with friends like a normal, healthy kid left him a sobbing wreck.

Ai was much too keen for that. And these days, Amane seemed to be doing nothing but underestimating how the people around him really perceived him.

He finally lets his expression drop, snapping the strings to this whole ruse as his smile becomes a bit more subdued and almost a bit cynical. It's not a side he likes to show to someone like Ai, who'd been nothing but a family figure to him, but... in a way, he thinks she might understand it, somehow.]

... so what if I am? There's not exactly much I can do about it, anyway. No one really wants to hang around with some gloomy ol' sick kid who can barely keep up with them.

[Despite his flippant tone, the words still feel bitter on his tongue, like a long dormant venom within finally seeping out by admitting this much. But it was the truth wasn't it? He hated it, but that was just the reality he had to get accustomed to growing up. People weren't going to wait around for sad, lonely Amane to catch up. They were going to move on, without him, like he had never existed.]

Is it really so bad not to have people know that side of me?

[liedol]

[ Again, that feeling that she's being cruel here swells in her throat, almost strong enough to silence her. She's purposely poking and prodding at a wound her - but if it is cruelty, it's the necessary cruelty of healing, the pain of straightening out an injured limb so the bones can set back in the right places.

It doesn't necessarily make her feel any better about it. But leaving it alone is just going to make her feel worse - let alone what it might mean for Amane.

Doing the necessary unpleasantries so you can look out for the kids is what adults are supposed to do. ]

Don't give me a "so what" like it doesn't matter. [ Her tone is gentle; disapproving but not coldly so. Just a little disappointment in hearing Amane being so dismissive of himself. ] If you're unhappy then of course it matters.

[ She closes the distance between them a little more - not enough to make him feel trapped but just so that she can lift her hand and give his hair another gentle ruffle. ]

It's all well and good saying "of course they wouldn't like me" and leaving it at that... but I think that's just turning into the easy way out. You're scared that if you try and they don't like you, it'll hurt even more than being lonely would. Right?

[hanamane]

[Well, that's easy for you to say, he thinks, the cynical edge creeping a bit into his thoughts. Everyone loves you. But even in this raw, open state, he knows it would be mean to say it out loud-- and that it's not necessarily true, either. If the world was that adoring and accepting of Ai, in all her entirety, she wouldn't have to hide her children like some dark and shameful secret. Not to mention the nasty things said about her online, nitpicking every inconsequential detail and flaw about her like she wasn't even a human being like the rest of them.

Even so... despite it all, she still manages to smile and dazzle them all so easily, like a bright, vibrant star in a vast, open sky. Didn't this sort of thing bother her? Or was she just that good at masking how she felt? It's a skill he almost envied, in a way.

His shoulders slump a little as she ruffles his hair again, knowing from that disapproving tone that she wasn't going to let him wiggle his way out of this one. It's not like she didn't already mostly hit the nail on the head with her observations, but...]

It's not... entirely that, it's just...

[His fingers interlock and fidget with each other as he struggles to find the way to best explain it-- it's hard putting to words the feelings that had been plaguing him for so long, and being this frank about things like this didn't quite come easily.]

I don't... really want to wind up with their pity either, y'know? There's hardly any in-between with this sort of thing. [At least, not among kids his age, to his knowledge] I don't want people being my friend because they feel bad for me or think I'm some dumb inspirational figure because "I'm a fighter" or something. At least the ones who ignore me are honest.

I don't really have to worry about any of that here. I'm just... me. Can't that be enough?

[liedol]

For some people, it could be. But if it was enough for you, we wouldn't be having this talk.

[ It's been leaking out here and there for months, cracks in a pane of glass bulging and fracturing under the most immense sort of pressure. If Amane was happy with this status quo, if Hanako's antics in the Dream Sphere were soothing his worst aches, then she wouldn't have seen anything at all at Tanabata. There'd be nothing for him to long for.

Jeez. Between him and Aqua, she's got quite the pair of angsty teenage boys to be fretting about, hasn't she?

Ai stoops a little to sit on one of the cool stone walls that runs around the island and gives the spot next to her a pat for Amane to sit down, too. ]

... I know it's hard and it's scary. I mean, even for me, there's still a lot of ugly parts of me nobody else gets to see, because I'm scared of what they'll think. Not just as an idol but as a person, too. Things I think or feel, or things that happened to me when I was small that would change people's minds if they knew them.

[ She tips her head back, looking up at the lovely night sky above. For everything that's wrong and right about it, the Dream Sphere is beautiful above everything else. ]

Knowing you can't always control how other people define you is kind of horrible, isn't it?

[hanamane]

[There's a bit of hesitation on Amane's end as Ai motions for him to sit next to her, but after a moment or two, he relents, quietly joining her along the stone wall. Once he's settled, he carefully tips to one side, leaning gently against her while settling his head upon her shoulder. There had been no crying involved this time, thankfully, but he still felt wrung out, all the same-- dredging up these bitter thoughts and emotions he had been so careful to tamper down all this time was exhausting. Not that he was off the hook yet for that, though...

He's silent as he listens to her speak, following her line of sight to the star speckled horizon before them, though for once, his attention is more on her words than the constellations before them. Of course she would know where he was coming from-- her whole life was probably made up of other's assumptions and preconceived notions, on a much larger and riskier scale. It probably made him complaining about it on his end pretty ridiculous, in hindsight.]

... yeah, it is.

[It hits him, then, that he really didn't know much about Ai-- not about her past, her hobbies, the things she enjoyed when she wasn't in spaces that he was around. Did that make him just as bad as the people who put her on a parasocial pedestal? Granted, like recognized like-- and he knew if he were to pry, she would probably wiggle away from a sincere answer with a dexterity that he would envy. But still...

His cheeks flush a little, warming up the spot where it rested upon her shoulder, and he peeks up at her from under his choppy bangs, his fingers fiddling with one of the chains on his uniform self-consciously.]

Though... if it means anything... I would still accept you, messy parts and all.

[A beat, and then, as if to alleviate the emotional vulnerability brought about by that statement:]

... even if you go and trick innocent young boys into talking about their feelings under the guise of a field trip ☆

[liedol]

Sorry, but when innocent young boys make it this hard on me, I have to resort to drastic measures. ☆

[ She says it lightly, teasingly, and lifts a hand to poke his cheek as she does so but her smile's warm. Maybe it's cheating a bit to have that come from Amane – he's known her his whole life and he's as much a part of hers as Aqua and Ruby are. When it comes to accepting her, as much as he means it, does he really have any other choice?

Even if that's the case, though – that uncritical, unconditional sort of acceptance is warm, too. If there's one person in the world who can accept you warts and all then everything else is tolerable. Ai's lucky in that she's got more than one. ]

I just hate the thought of you being sad and lonely. You're probably sick of hearing grown ups say this, but your middle school and high school years really are a special time. I don't want you to grow up and look back and feel like you didn't do enough with it.

[ Even if Amane decides he is going to be a Dreamer full time when he's older... it's easier than working in some office somewhere in a lot of ways, but it's still work. He won't have the same freedoms he has now. And he sure as hell won't be able to click with his coworkers if he doesn't learn how to make friends soon. ]

I'm not asking you to turn into a party animal overnight or anything. Just... be a little less quick to shut everybody out. Please? For me?

[hanamane]

[He screws an eye shut as she teasingly pokes his cheek, but he can't help but return her smile with a slightly helpless one of his own. Amane's not exactly proud of the fact that he had worried Ai enough to go to these sorts of lengths, but... it showed that she cared about him, in her own way. (Even if he's still going to be a bit sore about this for a little while yet)

But as she goes ahead and talks about his future, Amane's face grows a bit distant and dim, the vines of something old and unwelcome starting to unfurl within his chest. It was hard to think of how he'd feel when he'd get older, when for the longest time it seemed like sort of thing wasn't necessarily guaranteed. He had his dreams, of course, and his hopes-- even if his condition wouldn't allow him to be an astronaut, he still wanted to work in the space field some day-- but that's all that they were: dreams and hopes. And even with his illness in stable condition these days, there was always the lingering fear that it wouldn't last... and what would be the point of forging all these connections, making all these memories, if it was just going to hurt everyone in the end, himself included?

... but this was a line of thinking that was too dark, too depressing, and frankly too terrifying for him to vocalize to anyone, especially not to Ai. If she was already worried to this extent about him feeling sad and alone, he didn't want to bring up his complex about his mortality and make things even worse. He goes back to picking at one of the crystals on his uniform as he stews on what to say, until finally:]

But... I'm doing enough now, aren't I? Not a lot of kids my age get to say they've been exploring new worlds or fighting monsters or anything like that. I'd probably remember this more fondly than any after school clubs or sports, at least.

[Though he knows, vaguely, that probably isn't what she means by that. After all, doing stuff in the Dream Sphere didn't exactly mean he automatically had friends, at least not to his knowledge. But once Ai makes her final appeal to him, his shoulders slump, heaving out a tired sigh before glancing up at her sulkily once again from beneath his bangs. She really was going to make this hard for him, wasn't she?]

Ugh... that's not fair. You know I can't say no to you.

[Which is about as good as an agreement as any, but he had a feeling she wouldn't let him off the hook unless he actually said it.]

But... I'll try. I can't promise you any miracles, though.

[... meanwhile, there might be something starting to glimmer up in the sky because this is also a Torment Hunt thread technically, but... maybe it's nothing???]