yumemigaoka | ★ my genius, flawless idol for life

[...She's angry, and he can't blame her. Ango is still angry at Dazai for doing what he did, not that it makes much of a difference now. Anger is comforting in a way - it lets him indulge in the fantasy that there's something he could have done.]

I didn't know what to say. I mean, "hi, I'm Ango, I'm depressed and directionless and all of my friends are dead, by the way I owe a lot of money to the yakuza" is one hell of an icebreaker to use at a new job.

[It's not that Ango hasn't grown close to anyone since coming to Yumemigaoka. Ai, Misfire and Maki are people he trusts enough to let his defenses start to slip... but they're also coworkers that he's known for barely half a year. He's got baggage, and it's more than he can expect them to carry.]

Earlier last year, before I came to Yumemigaoka, I was in a rough place... coming here and meeting people like you really did help, so don't feel like you didn't do enough. That Night Terror was inside me for a long time.

[ He's right, of course. That's not the kind of thing even normal people would feel comfortable just dropping on their coworkers out of the blue, even if it stings to have it pointed out. Maybe she's getting too used to being able to mother hen all her trainees and take on all their problems as fiercely as her own. She can't do that for Ango, even if he asked her to.

And besides. What right does Hoshino Ai have to feel upset with anyone for keeping secrets?

She huffs out another cloudy white sigh. ]

... I might not be happy about it, but I can understand it. Maybe I could even accept it, but... you're a Dreamer, too. It's not like it was last time, where Mio-chan didn't really know what was going on... you knew. And I saw what that city was like. I don't understand why you'd choose that over... here.

Hahaaa, I guess that dreamscape was pretty rough... I'm sorry you had to see it.

[The hollow makeshift buildings, the neglected and trash-filled streets, the wild tangle of tree roots consuming the city's vitality like a parasite... it was a place Ango had never seen before, and a place that felt immediately familiar. An empty pastiche of the setting of his first successful novel, haunted by the heroine he's never been able to escape.]

I didn't want anybody to see that side of me, but... I guess by now everybody already knows that I'm not as cool as I look.

[He laughs at his own joke, but he sounds tired.]

...But you know, sometimes, here - the real world - feels the same as that place. Cold, lonely, chaotic. It's beautiful sometimes, but there's always something missing... At least I felt like I belonged there.

I'm sorry you had to make it. It can't have been even half as bad for us as it was for you.

[ But saying it like that... something does click. It's easier to feel bad sometimes. To wallow in things that make you miserable and the idea that nothing can or ever will get better because if you don't hope for anything then you can't be disappointed. If you never open any of your fan letters, you can never be disappointed when none of them are from the person you wish would write to you more than anything.

Being miserable is familiar. Sometimes it's even safe. She'd never forgotten how that felt, but... ]

I know it's not my place to say it, but... I don't want you to end up going back there. Ever. If I find out you did, I'll go and bring you back myself.

[Ango blinks for a moment, taken aback.]

...You would?

I mean, not that I've got any plans to do that again! If I become The Midlife Crisis Guy, I'll never hear the end of it from those bratty kids... but still, thanks. Hearing that means a lot.

[He smiles crookedly. Maybe somehow Ai missed the part of the Disturbance report where his Night Terror looked uncannily like her. Not that Sakuya had been anything like Ai in terms of personality... her personality had been based on someone else. But not wanting Ai to see the woman who haunts his dreams is more than enough motivation to keep him from causing another Disturbance.]

I guess if there's a difference between this world and that dream, it's that things can change here.

[ let's be real, Amane threatened everyone with pain of death if that piece of information ever found its way back to her so technically, he has Hanako to thank. ]

Did you think I'd just leave you? Of course I'd come get you. Ah, maybe not by myself exactly... I know what I'm doing over there but even I'm not that good.

[ Her smile returns, a little wobbly and uncertain but steadier than before. Her stomach is still rolling a bit, caught on all the parts of him she'd seen without him knowing but... maybe he does know. That had all been in his heart, after all. Maybe instead of having no idea, he's made his peace with at least some of his secrets leaking out.

Oh, wouldn't that be nice?

A laugh rushes out of her in another cloud of white. ]

We've still got about half an hour, right? Let's go get something hot to drink instead off freezing our fingers off on the platform here. I might as well get something to eat while I'm in town since I won't be getting home for dinner...

[The fact that no one, not even Frieren, seems to have mentioned the most embarrassing detail of Ango's Disturbance does make him wonder if there was interference from someone on the rescue team, but there's no way Ango would thank the brat for something like that. But if the brat ever ends up in in a Disturbance of his own, Ango will glady gut punch him back to reality. Gratitude? More like payback.

He has some idea of what other Dreamers saw while they were trapped in his dream, though, which is embarrassing enough... but unlike his best friend, who was consumed by his shame, Ango feels that shame is an essential part of being human. You haven't really lived until you've been beaten up by a high schooler in front of your imaginary girlfriend. Now that's decadence.]

Th-there's a coffee shop near the gate, right?

[If there's a slight crack to his voice, he'll blame it on the cold air. Coffee date with Ai? Okay, not quite, but it's at least "coffee with Ai," and 75% is a pretty good score for a chronic underachiever like Ango.]

Yup! And it's open til about nine, I think? [ She cracks a grim, smiling-because-it's-the-least-funny-thing-imaginable sort of smile. ] Lucky us, huh?

[ She sets off away from the platform, the tick-tock rhythm of her heels bouncing all around the empty station. While they might not be making up for much in the height department (and really, what could?), you can't deny they make up for it in added presence. ]

I'll even call it my treat, since I stole your coat. What's your usual order?

Haha, lucky for me at least - if it's your treat, then I want one of those floofy coffee things with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.

[A plain black coffee would be more manly, but Ango is convinced that people only pretend to like that crap. Coffee is merely a vehicle for caffeine and sugar, the most important food groups after nicotine and alcohol. And he doesn't have anything to prove to Ai, who has already seen him at his lowest and inexplicably still talks to him. Besides...]

...Hopefully the trains will get moving soon. I figure you want to get home to your... uh, you-know-who.

[He can't just say "secret boyfriend," can he? There could be obsessive fans lurking among the other stranded commuters on the train platform, and with Mio on hiatus, the wotaku weirdos are probably thirsting for gossip... but Ango is on Ai's side, so he gives her an a wink.]

My—?

[ A bone-penetrating wind gusts right through but the cold that skitters down Ai's spine has nothing to do with the weather. For a moment of horrible panic, she thinks that he's telling her that he knows. That somehow, she'd not been careful enough. That Ango had seen something, heard something, had any reason to suspect who she might be going home to—

And then she catches herself. Yanks the reigns back on her panic and manages to ease it back under her control. Her heart is still pounding a little too fast but she can think a little clearer now. There's no way Ango could know. In fact, she doesn't even have any idea exactly what he's talking about.

So she does what she does best: puts on a smile and plays dumb. ]

Ah... so you heard that... was it that obvious?

[Wait, is that fear in Ai's wide-eyed look? Even if she has to keep her personal affairs a secret from her fans, surely she can let her guard down around friends, right? Or... does she still see him as a potential threat - one of those jealous fans who would destroy her career, or worse? If I can't have her, no one will. Ango has heard the horror stories, both the ones that get media attention and the ones that are only whispered about off set. Celebrities have been harassed, stalked and physically attacked by fans... even Ango has received his share of harassment, but it's gotta be worse for Ai. She's so tiny...

Damn it, Ai has already given half of her life to the entertainment industry, to her fans. When is it going to be enough? Will it ever be enough?]

It's not like that! I mean, I overheard you talking on the phone and you sounded all lovey-dovey...

[He fiddles with his glasses, embarrassed. It's not like he intended to eavesdrop... but like any other fan, he craves those tidbits of information that put him just a little bit closer to his untouchable idol. Some fans are predators, but he's just a parasocial scavenger who greedily devours the leftover scraps of other people's fantasies. No wonder she still looks at him like that.

He makes sure there's no one else within earshot, then continues in a whisper.]

Haha, I don't think I've been that happy to go home in my entire life, and for you it's just a normal Friday afternoon... he's a damned lucky guy. Don't worry, I won't say a word about him! You deserve to love somebody.

[ Lovey-dovey...?

It takes a few seconds to process the words. He's not talking like he knows and his words don't actually seem to match the situation. Her pounding heart slowly eases back into something resembling a normal rhythm as she stares at him and she slowly realizes what it is he's actually saying. Ango seems to be on her side, which is good, but he also seems to think...

She absolutely can't help it. Before she can stop herself, a laugh comes bubbling up and out of her mouth and she has to cover it with her hand to get it back under control. Oh, he's so wrong and he has no idea — but it's also preferable so uh, when you think about it, Ai's the chessmaster here?! ]

Aah, so it really was that obvious... I guess I'm lucky it was you who overheard. Serves me right for not being more careful, huh?

[ She gives him a cheeky little grin, but then her expression eases into something softer and somehow brighter. He doesn't know what he's really saying and she knows he doesn't mean it the way it really is but...

You deserve to love somebody.

It's nice to hear it. ]

Thanks, Ango-kun.

[Ango lets out a sigh of relief as Ai's look of terror abruptly shifts to laughter. Even if she's laughing at him... it's worth it to see her smile. He'd do a lot of dumb things for a smile like that.

It hurts to know that he's not the guy who makes Ai happy, but knowing that Ai is happy makes it hurt a whole lot less.

Ango understands why Ai won't quit being an idol, even though the demands of the industry force her to hide so much of herself. She needs to perform in the same way he needs to write... because entertaining others is the only way they know how to connect with anyone. Her boyfriend must be one hell of a guy if he managed to bridge that gap.]

Haha... so you don't need to keep everything a secret. You've got people who will support you no matter what.

[ No matter what, huh? Maybe that's unfair. She did and does have people who've moved heaven and Earth for her, even knowing who she was and what she was hiding and knowing that it didn't benefit them at all to help her — they might be the people who love her the most now but she was nothing but a stranger when they all stumbled across each others' paths. But here she is, years later, and they're still supporting her.

Still. She wonders if Ango would look her in the eye and say that so easily if he knew what she was really hiding.

So instead, she huffs another giggle into the chilly air and makes another joke of it. When she thinks about it like that, she doesn't feel as bad about lying to his face. ]

That's what you think... but can you imagine the kind of workplace gossip I'd have to deal with? Everyone and anyone would want to sniff out some details. It's usually all business at the DU so when people smell blood? You can bet they'll pounce on it.

★ my genius, flawless idol for life

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