yumemigaoka | Theater Kid's March Comes in Like a Lion

Yeah... it's easy to do. In the moment, it feels like you're doing something. And later, it can go off the rails. [It's a timely reminder that Lisa gets it. They're a lot alike in some important ways, some good and some bad. It's what drew them together in the first place. She smiles back.

But it fades a little as Lisa says it wasn't her fault. That she forgives her. Junna hesitates for a second. It helps to hear that -- even as inwardly, she's frustrated with herself for not learning that lesson yet. She squeezes Lisa's hand back. Maybe it'll take longer for her to really internalize things. She can't rush getting better, her therapist says.]

I... I understand. It's just--I guess I still feel responsible. I'm working on it. [She hesitates though. She wants to argue, instinctively, that Lisa isn't at fault. And Junna doesn't think she is. But, she wasn't able to calm down, and she wants to do better. Junna can't dismiss that. She listens, but when Lisa starts to sound upset, she takes a step closer. She squeezes her hand.

Her voice is quiet. Gentle.] Lisa. Look at me. [This hurts to see. Seeing Lisa be scared of hurting her, being scared that she can't trust herself.] It's okay to be scared. It's okay to be unsure of yourself. To worry it'll happen again. To be scared you'll hurt me. But you're not just your worst moments. You're so much more.

[It's what she said earlier, but it's worth repeating. She takes Lisa's hand and lifts it, so Lisa is holding her cheek.] There's no one I trust more to hold me. No one I want more to hold me.

[Lisa would tell Junna the same thing, cribbed both from her own therapist and their collective friends: healing has to come at its, and your, own pace. There's no magic spell for pulling your heart back together. She knows that, she feels like she lives it. Junna needing to learn that lesson too... hurts in concept, but it's a fact of life. Lisa hasn't fully internalized it herself, as evidenced by most of this conversation. But... holding her problems inside her hasn't helped her for nineteen years, either, so here she is. Here they are, again.

It's why she bothered to get her insecurities from a week ago into words. Even if it hurts. Even if it makes her feel even more like she's weighing Junna down. Like she's... not what Junna needs. Which is, apparently, not a sentiment Junna herself shares. Junna ever only gets really quiet and patient like this when Lisa does something... really stupid. Really, monumentally, catastrophically stupid. Which this kinda was! But the reminder still hurts. And yet... she looks at Junna. Her gaze is uncertain, darting, but she does her best to listen and look. She'd said that before, earlier tonight. Lisa is... more than just the darkest moments. More than the things she says to herself when she's feeling the strain, feeling like she's screwed up for the millionth time, feeling like she's hitting rock bottom and the only place left to go is to be swallowed by the Earth's core. It's... okay to be scared... she doesn't want to be scared, though! She wants to be happy! She wants to be confident when she does things, says things, has feelings, thinks about anything at all! It's so frustrating...!

She wants to believe. More than anything, when Junna tells her it's okay, she wants to sink into that feeling and let herself agree. When she's told there's nobody else she trusts... she wants to be worthy of that trust. The feeling of her hand on Junna's cheek, warm and inviting... for a long moment, she's torn. Does. Does she pull away? Keep her instincts from doing something something rash? Lean into it and ask to be forgiven for needing her to reassure her stupid self again?]

I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm like this. [She bows her head, unable to keep looking at Junna, tone soft but strained. She doesn't have tears to cry right now, but boy, she feels like she needs another good cry already.] I still- I still want to. I still need to. I want... to hold you tight and never let go. I-is- is that okay?

[Junna leans her cheek into that hand, even as she keeps looking into Lisa's eyes. It hurts to see the doubt on her girlfriend's face. The way she looks so pained.] Of course it is. I-I don't want anything else, Lisa.

[Her fingers squeeze the same hand at her cheek. She doesn't just want to leave it at that. It doesn't feel like it's enough. She thinks about what Lisa said before. "I'm sorry I'm like this." There's a flicker of hesitation, then Junna leans forward. Her forehead rests against Lisa's again. And her other hand rests on her girlfriend's cheek into turn.]

You don't have to apologize for needing support. [She smiles a little, then, her thumb brushing over Lisa's cheek.] For needing me. And you don't have to apologize because you keep needing those things. I love you, and that doesn't stop just because you're hurt. Because you're unsure of yourself.

I want you. I chose you. I trust you.

[This feels... ugh. Junna is so supportive, so trusting. She knows she shouldn't be like this. That she's... maybe not fine the way she is, but that her faults aren't a surprise to anyone, and that most of her friends - and by now her girlfriend - know what they've gotten into by staying this long. Junna simply knows that much, much better than most. Lisa simply doesn't have the willpower to let herself do this in front of anyone else. In some perverse way, that is strength, but... not the kind of strength she really wants to show. She is kinda happy she has someone she can let all her walls down around, come what may... but it still feels bad to do this to Junna in the first place.

Still, as Junna says... she does need that support. She needs someone to have her back, and sometimes her front, to keep her moving forward when times are hard and her heart just doesn't have the strength to cope. Someone who does trust her, and who needs her in turn.

How must it feel to watch this from the outside? To watch Lisa collapse in on herself for the third time in a week, the second in an hour, and have to be dragged back onto her feet? This sucks, and she's the one turning into a fresh cup of depresso! She... she needs to do something. More therapy appointments, maybe. Something's gotta change. She has to be a better person for her person. And right now, that starts with accepting her insecurities and her faults instead of giving into them. So she tries to put that feeling into words, so Junna will understand. As much as she can make Junna understand.]

O-okay. I- I'll try to be better. I trust you, and you trust me, so... maybe I just need to believe in that a little more. [She's quiet a second.] I love you, Junna. I'm... I'm here for you. I'm a little screwed up about it sometimes, but I'm here.

[Her face colors a little at the attention. She... she needs it, to be totally fair, but it still makes her happy.]

I'm... gonna be leaning on you a lot. I have a feeling you won't mind too much, but... don't be surprised, yeah?

[Junna brushes her thumb across Lisa's cheek. It doesn't occur to her that it's the third time in a week. She knew it would be rough when they came here. She also knows they're still getting past the Disturbance. Junna is still getting past that -- and the guilt isn't so easily let go, either. There's still things she isn't sure she understands. And there's the fear she won't be enough, somehow.

She tries to push past them. Lisa needs her, she tells herself.] I love you, too. And I know you're here for me. And I--I don't think you're messed up.

[She leans closer. There's a flush to her cheeks.] Lean on me. Let me lean on you. And hold me. That's all I want. I don't need you to be perfect, okay?

[She worries it's coming out wrong. But still -- holding her, getting to hear what she's scared of, and getting the same in turn is what she knows she needs. It's what she wants.]

I'm glad you told me because I know. We know. We can do this, together, okay?

[It takes every ounce of willpower Lisa can muster at the moment (which isn't a whole lot, mind) not to object when Junna says she's not messed up. She... she is, but that's not exactly at issue here - she won't get better if she doesn't work at it, so she lets it pass. And again at being perfect - but wait, that's. That's not what Junna said. She said she doesn't need her to be perfect....... that. That she can. She can probably do. The rest is within her abilities, even like this. Even as a total mess, she makes an okay support.

So Lisa takes a long, slow breath, letting it out softly. It still sounds rough, but maybe not as rough as she's sounded for the last five minutes. Her words are slower, though.]

Mm. You... know just about all of it, now, huh? I feel like that should terrify me. But... I think I'm okay? I trust you. I've trusted you... for a long time. So I can put my heart in your hands. [She smiles; it's faint, but it's something.] We... we can do this. Together. [Another breath, before her smile widens.] And... thank you, for hearing me out. I know this hasn't been easy. For either of us.

[Junna smiles a little when Lisa exhales. This is... this is good, right? It's good. Maybe they have more to figure out and work on. Maybe they're not totally eye-to-eye on things, yet. Maybe they see each other in a better light than they seem themselves, still. But they can do this.]

I'm... I'm glad. I--I guess... it's the same. You know what's going on with me, too. And I trust you, too. [She leans forward, her forehead resting against Lisa's for a second.] I'm glad I heard you out. It...it wasn't easy, but I--I didn't want to play guessing games. And it makes me think...

We can do this. [She reaches both hands up, cupping her girlfriend's face, and she smiles wider, too.]

[She knows that much. There's always more to work on. Always something you don't know, some little thing you didn't think was important, something that doesn't bother you nearly as much as it bothers someone else. So... having shown everything behind the curtain (ha), and Junna not having run away screaming - or worse - is a huge relief, and something that makes Lisa all the more confident she made the right choice. She doesn't have the strength to handle all this alone. But together... together with someone that knows her fears and her weaknesses and her lack of dreams, she can push herself forward, and she can figure out the positives she hasn't been able to see. Make new dreams for herself. For the both of them.

Lisa lets herself relax into Junna for the first time in a bit. She's... okay. Not entirely, but enough to cope for tonight.]

I wanted to tell you the truth. I don't... want to make you ask other people about me, or guess, or assume. Even if it's hard. The truth... will set you free, yeah?

[She looks exhausted. Wrung-out. Happy, but don't ask her to do anything emotionally charged for the rest of the night. Weakly, she wraps her arms around Junna, and lets out a content sigh.]

I needed this. I hated doing it, but I needed it. I feel... lighter.

[Junna sighs softly, when Lisa sinks into her. That helps her relax, in turn. Lisa's okay. Maybe not great, but--but right now, she's okay. Her arms come around her, and for a second, Junna is happy to just get the chance to hold her. She's feeling exhausted, too; it was a lot to hear. But, she's glad she did.]

It will. I needed to know. And... and you did too. [She kisses Lisa's cheek, then leans against her, too.]

I'm glad. I'm... really glad. I know it wasn't easy, but... I'm glad you feel lighter. I... [She hugs her a little tighter.] ...I do too. But I think I'm ready for a good cuddle. And a snack.

Mm. I... yeah. I like talking through my problems, but I tend to go on for a while, you know?

[She chuckles dully, her heart not quite in it; it's true enough, but. She's trying. Lisa tucks her head in against Junna's shoulder, tone soft.]

And I'm glad you're ready to move on, because... that's about it. From there Hibiki shot the thing and then- we found you. Center stage. I was so happy, so relieved I turned into a sobbing mess right there. [Another chuckle, this one a little brighter; it's not like Junna hasn't realized by now what was driving Lisa through the chaos.] And you went down, down into... whatever the end was. I don't care right now, but... Koi-chan yeeted herself off the stage after you, there's no other way to describe it. Jeanne-chan came to reassure me before she hopped down... Zeke-san and. Olruggio-san? Anyway. They came after you, and... you know the rest. They... they brought you back. It's... it's fine now. [She takes another deep breath, pulling herself as tight as she dares, repeating herself, voice stronger, convincing herself along with Junna.] Everything is fine now. You're here, you're safe, and we can. We can figure it out from here, yeah?

[She's silent a long moment. Then, face still buried in Junna's collar, unwilling to move:]

Snack later. Hugs now. Um, hugs later too.

It's okay. [Junna kisses her cheek, as they lean their heads close together. Her arms stay wrapped around Lisa -- and she listens. A smile creeps across her face, though it's distant. Koi threw herself in there; Jeanette thought to look after Lisa. That's enough for Junna. Her arms squeeze a little tighter, then, and she exhales.]

Everything's fine now. We can figure it out. [A beat; a moment of hesitation, before she revises that:] We are figuring it out.

[She leans her head atop Lisa's, eyes closed, her face half-buried in Lisa's hair. She said she needed a hug. She's getting one -- and she feels lighter, but she finds herself clingier than she expected to be. But... she needs comfort, too.]

Hugs now. [It's said quietly.] And later. And as much as we need.

I'm holding you to that. I'm going to be... leaning on you a little while longer.

[Physically and emotionally both. But... she's healing. Slowly but surely. After a moment, though, she lets her tone slip into something very overly dramatic, realizing she needs to start letting the pressure out of the pot before she explodes. Uh, again.]

Spirits, though, I don't want to write the reports for this one. Yoshino-san's going to read me the riot act. I might need cuddles for that too.

It's okay. As long as you don't mind me leaning on you right back.

[She blinks at the overly dramatic tone -- and then a smile comes across Junna's face. She hears that, Miss Imai. And thankfully, Junna knows how to match that. Her tone is very serious -- and thus, in turn, not serious at all.]

Ah, whatever shall I do, getting more cuddles. Maybe you can do two reports...?

Don't you dare, missy, I already don't want to do the one! We'll... make a bundle deal out of it. I'll write a big long report for the both of us, and it'll be a nice cuddle pile with a keyboard in our laps. And if the Director doesn't like, then... then... well, I haven't gotten that far, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to tell her to deal with it.

Okay, okay. [Junna laughs. It feels good to... laugh, make a couple of jokes, and not be thinking about the heavy stuff. For just a little bit, after all of that. She smiles -- then hugs against Lisa again.]

That sounds like a good way to handle it. A cuddle pile, especially, sounds nice.

I figured you'd be in for that. We'll... figure it out together. We've kind of gotten through all the nasty parts, so it shouldn't even be hard. Just annoying.

[Lisa lets out a long breath, smiling a little more naturally.]

I'm okay with annoying. It's better than what we've been dealing with up to now. And I know you've got my back if it gets... overwhelming.

I can live with annoying, too. Besides...

[She leans in against Lisa. There's a smile -- and she looks a little embarrassed.] The cuddling part makes it easier. Speaking of... want to head home?

[Lisa looks confused for a moment.]

Are you sure? I feel a little bad leaving when we... [She nods meaningfully at the table.] Don't get me wrong, I'm wiped out, but this was important to you.

It's okay. [She looks at the table, then back at Lisa. And she thinks about their new life together. Living together now.]

Because we'll be back, right?

[That idea, that they can just. Come back, that this isn't just a one-time date but something they can do together as a couple... it feels weird to admit to herself, but it's kind of a blind spot? Relief flows through her, and Lisa lets out a breath.]

Yeah. We'll be back. Just... just tell me when, okay? I'll make time.

[Being together, rather than just dating -- and being a unit -- is going to take getting used to. In a good way.]

I will. Promise. [She holds a hand out.] Ready to head back home?

[Lisa takes the offered hand, with a soft smile.]

Sure. Let's head home, then. [...she has still not gotten used to home being the same place for both of them and shivers in happiness briefly.] Just don't expect me to cook anything, I'll probably fall asleep at the stove.

Don't worry. I can handle making something. [She squeezes Lisa's hand and smiles -- and there's a moment where she, too, thinks how amazing it is that they're going home together.]

I'll see what I can put together.

I'll be counting on you, then.

[A beat, and she grins.]

Just like always.

Theater Kid's March Comes in Like a Lion

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