yumemigaoka | ★ my genius, flawless idol for life

So I said that we work together when someone asked me a question about meeting you. That's the regular answer.

[He's supposed to answer the same way for every other celebrity-ish Dreamer that's not on his personal team. It's never really been an issue before. As he continues, though, it seems more and more like this wasn't exactly his mistake, but someone else's mistake that he went along with.]

But... the fans seemed to be excited about it. So my manager told me to be a fan because your fans might watch my show. Only your fans are angry at me for lying now?

[Which... he gets now. Of course Ai's fans wouldn't simply accept a new fact about him the way his fans would. His fans are trained to take every new fact he shares as something he feels comfortable finally telling them. A parasocial thing that's bringing them closer. They don't question whether or not the things he says are true, because why would he lie? Ai's fans don't know that. They just saw him suddenly mentioning that he liked Ai's new Christmas single—which he does, insofar as he likes the choreography he's done so far for it—and thought that was fake of him.]

I'm sorry for causing trouble.

[ Ai blinks. Opens her mouth once, then closes it. ]

So you did what you were told to do... and now you're getting in trouble for it. [ And she lets out a deep, weary sigh. Ah, fandom. Fandom never changes. ] No, I'm the one who's sorry. It's my fans who are acting out of line and your manager who made a mistake in handling things. They shouldn't be leaving you to do so much work cleaning up the mess.

[ This shouldn't be on you to fix, full stop. is the thought she very nearly voices — and then swallows. Whether it should or shouldn't be happening, the reality of being someone whose face and name people know is that you're expected to mop up any messes associated with you, whether you actually caused them or not. Even and especially when you're not old enough to have learned how to do it yet. ]

You can leave this with me, as much as you're comfortable doing and I'll try and sort things out. What do you think would calm them down?

I thought maybe we could take a picture together? Or... I don't know. I can't tell if they're mad I lied or because I'm a liar.

[He doesn't lie, is the annoying part. Connor is an influencer, which is a kind of celebrity that trades in their realness and honesty. They get unfettered access to him, his life, every last milestone he's ever had and none of it is a lie. It's just all edited for camera, all of the rough parts smoothed away so nobody sees how tied he is. How much he wants to scream that he never wanted this—Dreamer Forget-Me-Not is a pale imitation of Cynthia Murphy's shadow and Connor wanted... he wanted to help. This doesn't feel like helping.

The open secret of his unit is that they are, in fact, real Dreamers: they're just not good. For Dreamers who have been at it as long as they have, The American Dream can barely handle a few Torments at a time. So people started calling them fake. Liars. It's only gotten worse as they've been pushed further into their niches. How can you be a Dreamer Unit when one of you is in Paris for Fashion Week, one of you is in Toronto to film a movie, one of you streams on Twitch 7 hours a day, one of you is constantly working on a Webtoon, and one of you has to cram reading into every corner of the day to make a YouTube video every week? Where are you supposed to put the training? The Torment Hunts?

Connor's put his arm over his eyes, like blocking out the overhead light will block out the noise of a thousand people wanting some new piece of him he doesn't have to give.]

I just wanted to dance.

[ Ai's mouth twitches up into a smile that can really only be described as grim. ] If they're mad about you lying, then they should be after my head.

[ That's what idols are, after all. She'd thought that things would change once she became a Dreamer but if anything, it's become worse. So much of what goes on in the Dream Sphere is that bit less glamorous than the people who can't see it would like to believe. So on top of herself, she has to pretty up everything else as well. Ai-Doll isn't just any old idol, after all — she's the Dreamer Union's idol. She has to be the brightest, most magical and the biggest liar of all to manage it.

Another sigh whooshes out of her. ]

They get overprotective sometimes. My fans, I mean. And I think... because I've been doing this for so long, anyone who still remembers me from B-Komachi has to have been here for a while. So they get pretty hostile when they think somebody's a fair weather fan.

[ Which is ridiculous. Weren't they all fair weather fans once upon a time? ]

So we'll take the photo. And... hm, I think talking about you on my account wouldn't be a bad idea. I'll talk about being impressed with how hard you're working. If they see that I like you, then they'll start to feel bad about trying to pick a fight.

[Connor thinks about saying that it's just that people are convinced he's not actually a Dreamer—probably not helped by the fact that he doesn't like to come into the office—but no. This is, more or less, a professional conversation. Nobody needs to hear about how he can't handle rumors.]

Yeah. That sounds good. I think we might be appearing at some of the same events too...?

[The specifics of which events he's supposed to be going to this season and when are, like... literally, he just opens his calendar and worries about what's he has to do that day during the holiday season. At least after December he can slow down a bit.]

That was a request from the DU. I think they're worried about recent stuff and want to focus on public image.

[He only heard about the Ango debacle after getting back, but... well. If Disturbances keep happening, then maybe public image is important.]

[ Ai doesn't say anything right away but she gives a thoughtful little hum and looks at Connor with one of those horrible concerned expressions adults sometimes wear when they're having Private Worries that they don't want to say out loud. He's really booked up over Christmas, isn't he...? Maybe she shouldn't be surprised — she remembers Christmas being an especially miserable time to be in B-Komachi, with all the lovey-dovey vibes they were expected to put out to lonely fans — but he should at least be given a little breathing room for the holidays...

After a moment, her smile pops back on like it'd never left. ]

Business as usual then. [ She huffs a laugh. ] How about this? You have your schedule on your phone, right?

[ She's fishing hers (or well, one of hers) out of her pocket as she speaks. ]

Share it with me and we'll do a bit of strategizing. If we know in advance where we're going to be together, we can come up with a plan.

[The expression is, frankly, baffling to Connor. Nobody looks at him like that: he's essentially been treated as an object for people to put on their chess boards since he was 14. He doesn't complain, isn't difficult to work with or someone who turns down very many things. The most difficult he ever is mostly relates to not following the social media calendar he gets every month and barely looks at. As he always argues: being quieter on social media keeps up his persona as being a bit more private. Mysterious, even.

But nobody ever looks at him like they're worried about him. That's why it takes him a moment to realize he has to pull out his phone. That Ai is asking for his calendar.]

Uh. Yeah, I don't really keep track of it too much.

[He fishes his phone out of his pocket and unlocks it, opening up his calendar. Of note is that the device he fishes out is almost certainly a personal device. The case is scratched up, featuring art of a hot guy with a pride flag draped across his shoulders, and the phone is a slightly older model.]

I think we both have some kind of... um. No, I know this word. Aki-chan taught it to me... handshake event! Handshake event.

[He sounds, like. Unreasonably pleased with himself for remembering the word? But also he's been calling them "autograph sessions," because that's what they're called in America, and people have been trying to get him to remember this word for months.]

Yup! I've got a couple of those this month after a few of my lives but I didn't know we were doubling up... that's good to know. Let's see, what date, what date...

[ She double checks her own — ah, it's probably the handshake session that's not attached to a live. That one's more to do with the DU than it is her music so it makes sense she'd be sharing the space with Connor...

With another thoughtful hum, she taps her chin. ]

You know, that gives me a bit of an idea. If we're doing our handshake sessions at the same time, we'll be up at the table next to each other, right? So we'll do a little play-acting. If we make it seem like we've got a bit of a rapport, people should start convincing themselves we work together all the time.

[ And it might take just a bit of the pressure off. ]

I can do that.

[He's not very good at well and truly "acting," as evidenced by the (1) truly awful movie that he starred in that mostly sucked for other reasons. People 100% admit it wasn't his acting that brought the whole thing down, but he definitely didn't improve it. Now, he leaves that stuff to M.

Still, he is a seasoned reality TV star. He knows how to "be himself" while still achieving a specific goal. It's not hard to make sure he works Ai into his conversations with fans and remember to interact with her occasionally. That sort of thing he can make seem authentic.]

You know, when I was younger, my mom took me to see you perform once. I always thought that if I could make people even one bit as happy as you did, I'd be happy too. [Connor looks down at his phone for a moment.] Nobody told me their happiness costs mine.

[This isn't really where he thought he'd be at 19. He thought that he'd be on track to become the principal dancer for a ballet company. Instead, he feels like he barely dances anymore and all he does is what other people tell him.]

Edited (i swear i speak english) 2023-12-30 11:04 (UTC)

[ Ai's too good at holding a smile when she really doesn't want to for her expression to fall even a bit — but something in her eyes shifts and seems to go a little cold, matching the ice that's just skittered down her spine. It's not like it's the first time she's heard people tell her things like that; of course she hears it all the time from kids of all ages, I wanted to sing because of you, watching you made me want to be an idol, I always dreamed of getting to Awaken and be a Dreamer like you. She hears it and smiles even if she has all manner of less shiny feelings about the idea of someone following in her footsteps but it doesn't usually stop her in her tracks like this.

Maybe it's because none of them have ever said anything that's made her think Ah. Me too.

A bunch of pithy reassurances roll around in her head but she can't manage to make herself voice any of them. Even so, the question that comes out in their place surprises her. ]

Connor-kun... what is it you want to do?

... I wanted to dance. I still do, it's just—they made me choreograph something to your new single. It's for some performance I'm doing on Christmas.

["Wanted," past tense. "Doing on Christmas," as in he is working on Christmas. Things that could probably be chalked up to the fact that he's speaking a second language, but it's one of those things where people keep asking Connor when he sleeps as a joke and his answer keeps getting more and more strained.

Having grown up with cameras as a constant presence in his life, Connor's never understood work/life separation. His life is work, to a certain extent. It's not lost on him that even his teammates do less than he does. That even though he's technically not the leader of his unit, everyone treats him like it.]

Sorry. I shouldn't be complaining. I have what everyone wants, right?

[ She shouldn't be getting involved in this. Really, she shouldn't. It's so far beyond the scope of her duties at the DU and she can't even really make an excuse for it having anything to do with him as a Dreamer. Even this is probably overstepping a little. His manager probably wouldn't be happy.

On the other hand? Forget all that. What does it even matter? Connor's a kid just like she was. What kind of rotten, useless adult would she be if she washed her hands of him because it wasn't technically her problem? How many rotten, no good adults did the same thing to her when she was even younger than Connor was?

The breath she pulls in is sharp. Almost a little angry. ]

If you can't even complain, what are you supposed to do? Bottle it all up until you just explode?

[ Not that she has any place to talk. ]

If none of this makes you happy at all, then why are you doing it?

[He mostly just retreats into the studio when he's sad and overwhelmed. It's always been that way: dance it out for a few hours and then sleep it off. Complain to his therapist, if he needs to, but never ever let the façade of the lovely, perfect life slip. Even in private, Connor finds it hard.

Why does he do it, though? Connor immediately thinks about the other four members of his unit. He thinks about the opportunities M has had as a trans Latine man that he probably wouldn't if Connor wasn't there to take the brunt of criticism. He thinks about all the fans who have told him that he's the reason they realized they were queer, that he made them feel safe to dress in a specific way, to like things like dance and makeup. He thinks of the people who watch his videos and tell him that it got them through a rough patch. All of these traumas and secrets he has to hold close, because someone trusted him with them.]

... I met a girl at Pride. Her name is Aki and watching me and seeing me made her feel okay being herself. She has a girlfriend named Emiko now. And I think that's worth it.

Mm. I'm glad to hear it.

[ But that's how it goes, isn't it? There's always something or somebody that makes it seem 'worth it'. There's always going to be somebody who watched you and felt better about themselves. When you think about it like that, doesn't it make it that much easier to just take it all on your shoulders and never, ever complain? ]

But... are you sure there aren't any other ways for that to happen? Do you really have to go until you're running on fumes just to make everyone else feel better?

[ Yes, she's a hypocrite. But it's only because she's speaking from experience. ]

It's usually less... Everything. When I'm not the one being punished.

[It's just said casually, because Connor forgets it's maybe not... super? Common knowledge that he's currently being punished. It's his own fault and he's been exceedingly well-behaved recently, so he's a little annoyed about his current PR blitz, but not enough to do anything about it.]

I like my job.

[But maybe that's just because he doesn't know what not having this job is like. He's been on television since he was six years old.]

[ The noise she makes isn't quite a proper laugh, but it's close enough. ]

Well, you're already way ahead of most people. From what I hear, getting paid to do something you like these days is basically a miracle.

[ Not that she can really talk... ]

Anyway. Leave all this with me and I'll see if I can't handle things. Leave your manager's name and number with me and I'll get in touch to let them know, just in case they've got plans too. But I promise, you don't have to keep worrying about this anymore. I'll come up with something.

★ my genius, flawless idol for life

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