yumemigaoka | December catch-all ♫

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December catch-all ♫

⭐ Who: Lisa and you!
⭐ When: All through December
⭐ Where: Check individual top-levels
⭐ What: The best way to keep her mind off things is to keep working! As it happens, she's got a fair bit of work to do, not that she thinks of it as such.

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I may be juggling plates, but the idea is to juggle them, not drop them! [It starts out as amusement, a joke meant to be shared, but when Lisa mentions she'd feel guilty about taking up Sam's free time, Sam's expression turns into one of...surprise? Definitely surprised, but maybe there's a little bit of hurt, there.]

I can understand wanting to be independent. I'm there too. But hitting rock bottom sucks for you, wipes you out, and probably isn't that great for anyone who cares about you, either, you know? And hey! It's my free time! I should be able to do what I want with it, and I'm offering! You're not strong arming me or anything! Especially not if I offered! Which I did. [Pointing that out. There's a part of her that realizes she's being a little hypocritical here, but Sam's just not going to let on with that.]

Besides, right now I have more free time. At least 'til the semester starts, and then? Then we'll see.

[Surprise? That's... not the emotion that should be there, and Lisa immediately recognizes she's said something wrong. But it takes Sam's explanation to recognize the problem, and she wilts almost instantly once it finally clicks. She's... misread the situation, even after her gut telling her something wasn't quite as she'd thought. Sam is asking because she cares - cared even before Lisa started trying to defend herself - not because Lisa seems like she doesn't know how to ask for help. That reframes it, and now she just feels like a heel. Which in turn just makes her feel worse about needing it, but also, well... someone cares enough to extend a hand to her, which is definitely worth something.

Lisa will be the first person to tell you her head isn't entirely screwed on straight, but she's at least able to recognize that much.

Outwardly, Lisa deflates, mood tanking, but she doesn't quite close off; she shrinks into her scarf somewhat, muffling her voice a bit, but the lounge isn't so busy it helps her hide much.] You're right. It... does suck, a lot. I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm like this. [No louder than a whisper, before she tries to pick herself up.] Um. I... could probably use the help. At least until we go back to school. Thank you, Sam-san.

[She closes her eyes for a moment and takes a long, shuddering breath, before letting it out slowly.] I really appreciate that you're offering. Please don't... misunderstand my reticence. [But she doesn't entirely trust herself to explain right now, unless Sam presses her. Which would... not be entirely unearned.]

Why? [That's the first question out of Sam's mouth, more blurted than anything else. She's...not entirely sure why Lisa should be sorry...and that just makes her more concerned when Lisa goes on. But she stays quiet to let the girl finish her thoughts. She straightens a little at the honorific, but she also tries her best to sound joking. Sam's American, and gods know they don't really stand on ceremony, there...she does realize, however, that it's culturally ingrained here, and she doesn't want to seem offended. Because really, she's not that.]

Aw, just Sam is fine! And I'm happy to help. I just need to know what you need, you know? Even if it's just a friendly ear to get something heavy off your chest. If it needs to be kept a secret, well. My lips are sealed.

[She does mime zipping her lips shut, here, but she can keep things quiet with the best of them, if the need is there. She reaches out a hand now, to give Lisa a brief, gentle squeeze on her shoulder. Sam has dialed it back from 11, because her usual exuberance might be...a bit too much, here.]

You're you, and there's nothing wrong with that! I might not exactly get why you're being reticent, exactly, but I'm sure you've got your reasons. If you want to share 'em with me, I'll listen, but I get the impression interrogating you about them won't do either of us any favors. I just don't like the way you're implying there's something wrong with you, though...

[Though if she got that comment reversed on herself, it might be akin to an Olympic sport, the way Sam would clam up fast...]

[Why is somehow the most loaded question Sam could have asked, and also the easiest to answer. Her immediate instinct is not to do that, but she'll have to see, because Sam is proving both persistent and very kind. She manages not to flinch when that hand comes down on her shoulder, but she's tense, even to brief, casual contact. A stronger, more outgoing response really would have spooked her, so she appreciates the toned-down reassurance. Instead, she does her best to keep her breathing under control and her eyes from tearing up.]

Even if there isn't, it's... really hard to make myself feel like there isn't, some days. I just. Hide it okay, most of the time. [At least, Sam isn't on the short-ish list of people who have seen the facade crack... or, well, wasn't until today.] But I spent long enough with people telling me there was, that I think I started to believe it.

[It's somehow a more stable response than her apology for being a mess, and even if it's the short short version, it gets the point across well enough for her to feel like she's... kind of explained herself? Not truly, but enough to get across why she reacts the way she does. Although, to add to it-]

So I'm not really... sure what I need. A friendly ear, sure. Studying... maybe. [A wry, tired smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes, as she adds:] Therapy, I think, but I'll saddle a professional with that.

We've got a saying, back where I'm from. "Fake it 'til you make it." I'm an adherent, myself. It's like...

[Here, Sam pauses, because it's pretty clear she has to organize her thoughts into some sense of coherence, too. Her brow furrows a tiny bit, but she's not angry. It's just taking some thought to frame what she wants to say.]

And that sort of thing? Being told something's wrong with you 'til you start to think..."hey...what if they're right?" happens more than most people want to admit. The closer the speaker is to you, personally, the worse it is, too.

[Speaking from experience, there, Sam?]

Doesn't mean they're right, but it's hard to break out of that thought cycle when you've heard it so much. It's like a vicious circle.

[She pauses, there, listening again, and nods at Lisa's words.] Well, if you want the studying help, I got you. If I can't do it myself, hell, I know some people, too. I'm not the best at everything, after all! [She chuckles briefly, there, but quickly grows more serious, leaning in.]

I don't do therapy myself...yet. I mean. I know I probably should, but...I can get you a list of folks who do talk therapy. If you want. And I can at least go with you to the first appointment? Not to like, sit in! Just...as moral support? Go get some boba or something afterwards, as a "hell yeah, I did it!" celebration? And my ear is always open. Hell, you can have my phone number too. This way you can text me any time, even if you're worried you're gonna bother me. If I'm doing a show or something, I might not answer quick, but I'll definitely get back to you.

Even if you don't think it's important, okay?

[Lisa's eyes are wild for a second and her shoulders shake, as she bites her lip hard to keep an ugly laugh from escaping. Faking it until she makes it ~~or fails to~~ has been the only way she's kept herself going for a couple years. It's getting better, it is, but... still, Sam is trying. Sam's trying very hard, and she wants to respect that. Cackling would just be a dishonor, to both of them. When she thinks she can get a word out without cracking a little further, she lets out a soft breath.]

Yeah. I'm... yeah. It's hard not to... internalize. Every time I think I've got a handle on myself, I... [She shakes her head gently, and she feels so damn fragile. She hates it. She doesn't mind having the conversation, especially when it's with someone she's willing to try to reach out to. She just wishes it didn't make her feel like she'd done something wrong every time. It's a long moment before she feels comfortable enough to open her mouth again; when she does, she somehow sounds even more wrung out.]

I'll take the studying help, at least. My studies are something I can control, at least, so... I want to at least be able to shine there. I appreciate it. As for therapy... I actually started to see someone a couple weeks ago? It's still early, so I'm not sure how much it's helping, but I'm... hopeful. And I'm trying really hard not to let myself get in the way of that.

But... thank you, again, Sam. Seriously. I can't promise I'll use it right away, but, um, I'm going to try to remember I have lifelines when I feel- [she shrugs, apparently to mean "like this"-] and I can't handle it. I... [Lisa does her best to sit up straight and smile properly, and while it still looks dangerously lopsided and her eyes are a little watery, it's warm and appreciative.] Is it too weird to say that, even if I don't feel super happy right now, I'm happy that you listened to me, um, having a moment?

[She's not sure how to express her feelings right now. She wants to stick her head under a rock - or maybe just run away to the Sanctuary and hope nobody follows her - but even if she hates herself in this moment, she's happy someone is willing to look past that front and try to reach out a hand, enough she could cry. She may still; jury's out on that one. Might freak Sam out more though, and she doesn't want that. Sam doesn't deserve that.]

[Sam doesn't know specifics about Lisa's situation, but some of this just...sounds so damn familiar. Sometimes she has to wonder where she might be now, if she hadn't become a Dreamer and moved here to Japan...she can't stifle a sigh, but it sounds...tired, not put-upon. Just a weary sigh.]

God. I get that. I really do. Believe me, I got plenty of judgement from my own damned family. Nothing quite like the people who're supposed to buoy you up tear you down, huh?

[Sam's aware Lisa's situation might not be the same, but she's equally aware that she's letting Sam peer behind the curtain, so to speak, and that's valuable. Even if it's not a deep, soul-wrenching confession, it's worth secret sharing. Sam is...definitely not the type to dwell on things if she can help it, but.

Family issues are still a sore spot.]

'Course you'll shine! You bust your hump, and people will see it. All I'll be doing is giving you a bit of support where I can, you know? Quizzing you if you need help on memorizing stuff, I don't know for sure, but we can leap that hurdle when we come to it.

[Sam might be treating Lisa's studies like they're not a huge deal, but she's pretty confident that Lisa can get a handle on it. She's always struck Sam as smart and clever. Just lacking in confidence. And, well. Sam might never have been an actual cheerleader, but. She nods though when Lisa mentions therapy.]

Okay, good. Look, you're doing all you can do. And sometimes therapists don't work out. For whatever reason, you just don't click. That's not a failure on your part or your therapist's, if that's what happens. It just means they ought to help you find someone who's a better fit, hey?

[Sam can't help but make a little huff of amusement there.]

A moment? Honey, you didn't even look like you were gonna cry at all. If that's a moment, well. You got nerves of steel--even if they're as taut as our guitar wires right now, huh?

[If Lisa's worried about Sam freaking out, well. Sam doesn't seem like she's about to. Then again, Sam's always been the type to attempt to roll with life's punches and get up swinging on the other side. That seems true right now, too.]

But you're welcome. Any time. Seriously. Plus, you got this. Even if you don't think you do, I believe you do! You just gotta try to do that, too. Easier said than done, but. You can do it!

[Lisa wouldn't really blame Sam for sighing at her, at this point - she's been A Lot to deal with, in her mind. Instead, she nods along as Sam mentions her family, Lisa wincing briefly, both for Sam's sake and in thinking of her own parents. Not that it's her parents tearing her down. They'd have to be home for that. Aaaaand she's too depressed already for that to register much, but her mind supplies it should have.]

I have a feeling it'll be more than a bit, but I'll take it. Still, even someone I can feel is in my corner will be a big help. [It's even a help now, as some of the weight seems to lift off her shoulders. Lisa is pushing herself as she speaks, but Sam is helping.]

With therapy, too. I think this'll work out, but if it doesn't, I'll figure something out. Or they'll help me figure it out. All I can do is a lot to promise myself, but it's... what I've got, right? [It's all I've got, she thinks but carefully does not say. The huff gets her attention again, though, and she smiles.]

Can't let them see you cry, yeah? It shows weakness. It's not something young ladies are supposed to do in front of other people... [She huffs out a breath of her own, smile less forced but also a bit wry still.] Or something. It's not something I consider a strength, but maybe I need to. I'll just have to believe in that faith, right? Everything will be okay, and I'll make it out the other side. I just... need to trust in that.

[...she will be okay now, probably. Not right away, and not without help, but she'll be able to keep going. That's enough.]

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December catch-all ♫

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