yumemigaoka | November catch-all ♫

[....this answer is also a little concerning? And a little disheartening? But. Hmm. Lisa smiles, but there's a tinge of worry in it.]

You're right, I am there a lot of the time, and I make a point to be. But even then... it's not just out of duty, you know? I care a lot about just about everyone that I know around here. So I'd be there, but I'd be there for you. And I'd probably be pretty loud and forward about it. I care about you, and I don't want to see you get hurt. Or worse. I don't think I'm the only person, either.

[A little bit of a wry grin tugs at her lips.]

Sorry, I was teasing you a little earlier. No, you're at no risk from me. I'm not that mean, and I hope you don't ever think I would be that mean.

I don't.. think you're mean.

[ The girl is saying it very slowly. Almost like she has to think about the words as she's saying them - or maybe like she's thinking about something else, even though she's saying something that's pretty natural to herself.

Of course Lisa isn't mean. She's kind of scary in how strong she is in Illya's eyes, despite what Lisa confided about in her before, but she's not mean. She wouldn't be.

It's something else that Illya is thinking about. ]

I don't.. [ Her voice trails off.

She frowns. Not an angry frown, but a confused one. ]

I'm not sure I understand everything else you're saying though. [ Like there's something about it that is that strange to Illya. ]

[Lisa blinks. After the earlier exclamation, she'd thought that would be the harder part, and there'd be a strange manzai routine where Lisa insists she's not going to bring harm to a young girl, even for comedic value when it wouldn't do any damage. No, this part is the more concerning one. She forces herself to relax and slow down a bit, even though something about this is setting off alarm bells in her head.]

I take Dreaming kinda seriously. You know that, I've harped on it before, I've had some nervous breakdowns over it, I see a therapist about it, it's how it goes. [She waves a hand in the air dismissively (negligently), as if that's not a strange statement, said with all the gravity of a grocery list.] So you're right, the next time a Disturbance comes up, I'm going to be there. And you're also right that I'd rescue anyone that needed it. But...

[How to put this in a way that won't make her own walls slam up behind her, but also won't be disrespecting Illya...?]

You're a little bit higher priority than that for me, Illya-chan. I want you to be safe. I want you to have a better school life than I did. And I want you to find the people and the things that make you happy. So if you do end up stuck in a Disturbance? Forget exams. Forget family. Forget dates. None of those things are as important to me as you, and I am coming in there if it's the last thing I do, screaming my head off to bring in everyone that'll listen to me. And either I'm dragging you out myself, or I'm beating up whatever put you in there in the first place while someone else does it. That's a promise.

[Her tone's been building into something thick and full of emotion as she goes; she still worries that really will happen. If not to Illya, to someone else she's close to. So she chokes up for a moment, swallowing to clear her throat. Even when she has, though, she doesn't continue; her thoughts are too jumbled after working herself up. She'll be okay in a minute, sorry, Illya.]

[ Oh no, Lisa.

Illya feels incredibly bad for the other girl when she watches her get emotional - and really, considering Lisa did mention seeing a therapist and all, maybe it makes Lisa's reaction here immediately make sense - but maybe it also helps a little. Illya wouldn't know how to properly process those words by themselves, but right now there's something else to focus on, making it a little easier in this moment.

She takes a quick step forward to be closer to Lisa, reaching out to grab one of the other girl's hands, giving it a slight squeeze. ]

Don't cry.. [ She pleads, softly. ] I don't want you to have to cry over this.

[...it's hard, sorting yourself out after you've pushed your emotions a little too far for a second. Lisa slowly regains herself after a moment, helped along by the hand holding hers. She smiles down at Illya, able to handle that much, before she takes a deep breath, eyes still a little watery. The quaver in her voice is there if you're listening for it, but she's got just enough vocal training to mask it otherwise.]

Sometimes crying is all I know how to do, you know? Because either I cry or I scream. And- [sniffle-] I'd rather cry for other people than for myself anyway. I've cried enough for myself.

[She pauses, and reaches into a side pocket of her tote for a tissue with her free hand with a very clearly practiced motion. She dabs at her eyes briefly before trying to clear her nose.]

But... thanks. I didn't mean to make you worry over me. I'll apologize for that. Not for the rest of it, though.

I don't want you to have to do either...

[ Sorry, Lisa. It really does seem like you've worried the other girl, but-- then again, it's not like it takes all that much to worry Illya. And with the way she cares about Lisa, of course she's going to fuss if the other says she screams and cries that much.. ]

I-- um, I kind of get it though. Sometimes you're feeling so much that you can't do anything else, right..? It's like what happened too when I talked to Amane-san about him bullying me... [ Kind of a different situation there than this one. Or anything else Lisa is dealing with.

But Illya is trying very hard to normalize this for the other girl, okay! T-This is the only way she knows how to do it! ]

When Amane-kun what.

[That's the bit that stands out amongst everything else, and she discards most of the rest of that; she's a depressed lump a good seventy percent of the time, it's fine, she knows herself. Her eyes are wide - still red, but the shock comes through clearly - as Illya casually mentions it.]

What happened? Tell me everything!

[She's not angry - not yet - but it's weird, and her first instinct is to assume a misunderstanding, so she's curious. Amane's a good kid, just... misunderstood, sometimes. Lisa comes across, then, as a teenage girl interested in suddenly very, very juicy gossip, like her outburst a couple minutes ago never happened.]

[ Apparently Illya did not expect Lisa to really latch on to this topic the way she's doing now. The young girl's eyes grow wide with surprise when Lisa starts saying that. ]

H-Huh?

[ Hold on, give her brain just a second to catch up.. ]

I mean.. It's just-- [ How did she get from Lisa crying to this! H-Help?! ] You know, the way he acts when he's a Dreamer and all.. You know? He kept picking on me, and I felt really bad about that..!

[When Lisa just got through telling you she was going to protect you if something silly happened, and then you accidentally revealed something silly happened... oh, Illya. Lisa... doesn't quite back down, because she knows what Hanako is like, and specifically what Hanako was like before Amane merged the two personalities together a bit. But she's still not happy about it. And Lisa herself has thicker skin than Illya, he can't treat them the same way!]

Oh, I know all right. Hanako-kun was a brat to me too when I first met him and I didn't know any better. He still is, every once in a while. I thought he was getting better now that he doesn't have to hide who he is, but... hmm. I might need to have a conversation with him. Is he still picking on you, Illya-chan?

[This said as she gazes into the skyline in the general direction of Camellia, before looking back to the girl as she asks that question, worry etched in her brow. She'll march over there right now if she has to! Puffy eyes and Illya's ice cream still in her tote bag!]

[ Please, Lisa. No matter what the honest answer to that question is, there's absolutely no way Illya can allow you to get all worked up about this when you just were crying and being really emotional. That's way too much to put Lisa through all at once! ]

I'm..

[ Pause. ]

I'm trying to work it out.

[ Nailed it. At least it's true that things aren't as bad anymore as they used to be.. ]

I guess I-- I still don't fully understand why he does things the way he does them. Or why he treats other people that way..

[Ah. She hasn't realized. So it's still mostly on Amane, but... Illya holds a little of the blame here. Recontextualizing it makes it make a lot more sense, even if it's less fun to deal with when you know where it's coming from. But by then Amane should know you well enough to adapt to you... eh. It's a vicious cycle.]

I don't want to give you all the answers on this one - you really should get him to tell you himself. But... you know he was in and out of the hospital for a bit, right? Especially leading up to his Disturbance?

[...talking about someone other than herself is also helping calm her down slowly, so that's. That's also something?]

[ ... ]

It's fine. You don't have to tell me.

[ Because if even Lisa is making the disclaimer that Amane should say it himself, then.. Illya doesn't want to cheat, even if all of this is very baffling. She doesn't even want to think too hard about what Lisa is saying here, because what if it'll make her realize something without Amane saying it?

But she doesn't leave it at just that. There's another complicated look on her face, and then she adds: ]

He'll never tell me anyway, Lisa-san. I'm not likeable like you. [ Because clearly he's not bullying Lisa the way he's bullying her, if he's actually telling her stuff like this.

It's Illya's fault for being.. different. Wrong. A weirdo. Whichever.

Not likeable enough for anyone to stick around. ]

[When the first words come out of Illya's mouth, Lisa wants to say something. Encourage her, maybe. Tell her Amane isn't really as bad as he acts.

Then she keeps going, and Lisa feels the accusation slam into her like a truck, swaying back like there's physical force to it. What... did she hear that right? Illya thinks she.....?]

T-there's. There's no way. Me? You...? Do you really-?

[All of the pep has drained back out of her voice along with the blood from her face, leaving her timid again. Uncertain, tense. Was that... really so strange of a statement?]

...

[ Give her a second. Illya got so in her feelings there that it takes a moment for the odd reaction on the other's end to register with her. There's still some of the sadness in her eyes, but it's mixed in with confusion now. ]

Um.. [ In fact, Lisa's reaction seems so strange to Illya that the girl doesn't even seem to realize at first just what Lisa is trying to say here.. She blinks at her in confusion. ]

Do I really.. what..?

[.......she does. Oh. Oh, this poor girl she's been deluding. Illya is a precious child and means well and Lisa adores her but.]

I'm... I don't know if I'm likeable like that. I didn't have friends all through middle school and into high school. I've been working so hard these last couple years, and I'm finally getting there... but sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm pushing myself until I break down and people feel sorry for me. I'm pretty sure Amane-kun only talked to me in the first place because I was a total wreck the first few times he met me and he was worried. It wasn't a Mentorship on paper, but he had to teach me how to be a Dreamer too, you know.

[ At least this time Illya seems to understand what Lisa is trying to tell her a little bit better.

Granted, it still makes her look a little confused as she looks up at the other girl, but it's for different reasons entirely. ]

What part about you do you think isn't likeable?

[ Sure, there's a lot of other things Lisa is saying here, but-- As far as Illya can hear, she isn't hearing any direct answers to that question just yet! And the idea of Lisa being likeable in her head is so strong that she truly can't see how the other's answer could change that impression so far. ]

[Completely serious and deadpan, in an instant:]

How much time do you have to listen?

[But Lisa catches herself; that's way too heavy a response, and she flinches. Illya doesn't deserve that, but also Lisa doesn't deserve that. She's got to get better at keeping her mental health and tendencies in mind. With a heavy sigh, she shakes her head.]

No, that's. That's not fair. I'm sorry. Um. I... I feel like it's a lot of little things, but they add up to a lot? I'm not submissive... let's say agreeable enough. I never know what trends are. I only really know how to bake sweets well. I stand out too much. I talk too much. I try way too hard. I don't know when to leave things alone. I get depressed too easily. I'm not a very strong Dreamer. I'm too much of a goody-goody. I keep letting my friends down...

[Rattled off calmly, if dully, like a shopping list. Each thing makes her jump lightly, like the metaphorical stab of each condemnation comes with physical pain; maybe it does, if the darkening look in her eyes is an indication.]

...I hide behind my Good, Popular Girl mask because I don't remember how to just be me, sometimes. Just me is hard to be around sometimes, too. Junna is... helping. So are Ai-senpai, and Hibiki-chan, and everyone, but it's still... kinda hard.

... Lisa-san, I--...

[ Illya starts slowly. Carefully. It's A Lot being thrown at her here, and though she does know what to say to it - or rather, she does know what she thinks about it - it feels like a lot to just offer her own opinion in return to that? What if Lisa will get mad at her?

It feels like there's a big chance the other girl will get mad. But Illya doesn't want to lie and say she thinks Lisa really is that terrible. That would feel even worse.

So--

She swallows, gathering her courage. ]

I really think you're overthinking it. Has anyone else ever told you any of those things..? [ Surely not any of the people Lisa is listing right now. Illya thinks all of them are so super nice, and the faults Lisa is listing don't even feel real when it's nothing Illya has noticed about the older girl. ]

A few people. A few specific people, for a couple years. It spread, and for a while it was my whole class. My whole year.

[Her expression is dark. In a very real sense, waking from her Nightmare was only the beginning for Lisa, and she's still recovering from the trauma even now. It's a heavy burden, let alone a burden to drop on someone else. She doesn't even want to drop this on Junna, although that's... her being scared of what Junna will think about her, more than anything else. But... she can't hide this when Illya's dragging it into the light. She won't keep hiding.]

I might... be overthinking it a little. But this... this is the reason I have my Sandglass in the first place. I couldn't handle it. It... messes me up, makes me jumpy. I don't trust people right away, and I have a hard time opening up. [A tiny, self-deprecating smile.] Not that I need to tell you that, yeah?

[ Yikes.

That.. is bad. Really bad. It's not like Illya has a ton of friends either at school, but it's not like she's ever really picked on either. It's more like there's a distance between herself and the other people - but she thinks she doesn't mind that, compared to what Lisa is saying here. She can't even imagine enduring people saying that stuff to you, let alone a whole class..

She blinks, her eyes a little watery. Just because she's feeling that bad for the other, as empathetic as Illya is, and too young to hold that feeling in. ]

That's.. [ She shakes her head. ] They're-- They're wrong, Lisa-san. They're mean! How can all of them together pick on just one person?

[ It's so rude. Illya could never! ]

I understand feeling bad because of that, and-- um, I also understand it making it difficult to trust other people, and stuff like that, but.. you have to know I definitely think they're super wrong!

I spent a lot of time wondering that, too. What I'd done to deserve it. [There's no cheer in her voice. It's... well-litigated, but that doesn't mean she's over it.] I never did figure it out before Those Girls disappeared, and it all slowly... stopped. But the damage was done, you know?

[She trails off again for a second as Illya passionately declares her opinion. It's... perhaps not surprising, but the strength of the denial definitely is a surprise. Illya really feels that strongly about it? About her? It's... that's weird. But- who is she to tell someone else how to feel? That's... that's not how that works. Can she accept it, though? That's not entirely her decision either - if it's what Illya thinks, it's how it's going to be, right? So Lisa takes a deep breath, and tries to smile. It's... faint, a little lopsided. But it's honest.]

That's a bold statement, Illya-chan. I appreciate it, but... are you sure? That's a lot of faith you're putting in me.

[ The usage of the word disappeared is pretty wild there, but Illya can't ask about it right now. Not when there's clearly something way more important to say here.

Something like-- ]

Why shouldn't I?

[ It's said so plainly that the young girl really must be thinking this way. Else she would have thought more about it. ]

You've always helped me, Lisa-san. Wouldn't it then be really mean of me to have no faith in you?

That's never stopped anyone before.

[It comes out just as fast, but she visibly cuts herself off. Illya is honest to a fault, so this... this has to be how she feels, right? So Lisa... starts to unwind, slowly.]

That's super mean of me, I'm sorry. I just... like I said. Um. [She cuts off for a second before shaking her head, a more honest smile coming out.] Thank you. Really. I know I'm being really extra right now, but I'm happy to hear you say that.

I'm saying it because I'm not a mean person!

[ She huffs a little bit. Not that she thinks Lisa is the mean person here, despite what the other is saying about herself. No, the thing Illya is instead contrasting herself with are all those other people Lisa spoke of.

They were clearly mean for doing what they did to someone like Lisa. Illya feels so strongly about it that she's even doing the impossible - practically having given herself a compliment just now. Gasp. ]

So make sure to remember that, Lisa-san! Especially if you feel bad! There are people who believe in you now! If hearing that makes you feel happy, then just-- um, just ask me to say it whenever! I will!

November catch-all ♫

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